The Redemptive Home Birth of Our Pandemic Surprise

BirthMotherhood
Written By Kelsey Delane Troup

After 2 hospital births & 12 years, despite having an IUD and in the midst of a pandemic...I finally got the Homebirth I’d always dreamed of!

Part 1: The Dance of Action & Surrender

As a birth worker & a third time mom, I have immense faith in the uninterrupted process of pregnancy, labor & birth. I’ve seen & experienced many unnecessary, risky & harmful interventions. At the core of my values around birth, I believe in stepping back & allowing the body to take the lead & have faith that nature rules supreme.

And also, there are no rules in birth. I respect that there is a time a place for intervention...informed, consenting, embodied intervention.

After two labor rehearsals, where I was convinced “I’m gonna have this baby today,” and 15 days straight in a bizarre limbo, where I was at least 5cm dilated, 90% effaced & Soren’s head was at zero station, I was bewildered.

I checked in with my heart & mind: is there a need I have to meet or a fear to address for this birth to unfold?

I was clear that my needs were being met & I was unafraid of birth, yet I was carrying fear around having a newborn again...especially this time with a toddler with a condition that requires 24/7 management.

I meditated & communed with my body. I made space for my fear. I felt the presence of all the love holding me. I knew what I wanted to do next.

I texted my midwife @lindseymeehleis (who never once even mentioned any interventions) to let her know I’d decided I wanted to break my water. 

I know the risks of AROM (artificial rupture of membranes). I knew my risks were significantly lowered by being GBS negative & having made so much progress already.

Lindsey arrived later that day & before she lovingly ruptured the bag, we spoke to Soren about what we were about to do & invited her to come join us. Even big sissy Gin told her how excited we all were to meet her.

The very next contraction, I knew it was on, this baby was coming & she was coming fast...

Part 2: Mothering in Labor 

...while the birth tub was being filled & I was riding my newly fierce waves with the comfort of my birth ball, I saw my first born emerge from her bedroom.

She’d been isolating in there for a couple days because she was sick & had a fever. Her rapid test was negative but we were still awaiting her PCR test results.

Her tear-filled eyes told me “I need my mom” so I put on my mask & pulled her in tight.

She poured out her heart: She was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed from being isolated, overwhelmed by the thought of her mom giving birth, overwhelmed by all the uncertainty of what to expect. She knew her life was about to change again & the intensity of her emotions was palpable.

During my pregnancy, I’d remind her that she had the choice to be present for this birth or not & she could always change her mind. She’d decided she really wanted to be there.

A strong wave came, so I leaned on the nearby counter for support while rubbing her back.

When the wave subsided we locked eyes & I reflected back to her the fears & sadness she’d expressed. I felt her exhale. I felt her body relax. She’d been seen.

Mothering doesn’t stop because you’re in labor. Gratefully, my mom, my big sister, my MIL & my cousin were all there to also provide the support that Thea was needing. Ginny just happened to be napping (not her usual time) & that felt like divine providence so I could focus on my job at hand. 

Now that my biggest baby was calm & my toddler was sleeping, I sank more fully into the ethereal space of transition... 

Part 3: Held by Love

My waves guided me into a deep meditation...one rolling into the next with little, if any, pause between. 

From this point on, my love did not leave my side. He held me & comforted me & whispered reminders of my strength, my beauty & my power.

The immensity of energy moving through my body was overwhelming. With each cycle of shear force, I leaned more & more into Dan’s arms.

Self-doubt made its first visit.

Our foreheads kissing, I whispered, “This is going to be really hard.” 

Without pause, he declared, “and you can totally do it. You’re a warrior, Kelsey! I’m right here with you.”

We kissed & I uttered with joyful anticipation, “she’s coming, Baby, she’s coming.”

Standing by the tub, waiting for the water to be cooled to the right temperature, my body gave its first round of pushing.

When there was a brief respite, my sweet husband undressed me & removed my soiled diaper without hesitation. He guided me gently as I stepped into the tub, and there I would remain to bring our girl Earthside... 

Soren’s Birth Story Part 4: Into the Fire

...It’d been just shy of an hour since my water breaking. There were no more pauses. Although the warmth of the water was calling me, I could not move from my position. I was frozen in place, clawing into my husbands arm, pulling him down with the same ferocity that my body was bearing as “I Am Light” by @indiaarie  played in the background.

I knew I was at the precipice & terror moved through my body.

Not once did I question whether or not I was safe. I trusted my birth team wholeheartedly. I did, however, feel as though I would split in two from the enormity of power moving through me.

“Hi Baby. Hi. Hi Baby.” I repeated as Soren’s head was crowning.

“We’re so excited to meet you,” Dan added.

“You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail. And there I find You in the mystery, in oceans deep my faith will stand...and I will call upon Your name...keep my eyes above the waves...when oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace...”

These melodic words of worship that had earlier filled the room now filled my heart. I leaned into Love, into this most sacred surrender, where I knew I would be carried by a power greater than myself to the finish line.

Inwardly, I called upon all Mothers, I called upon the affirmations hanging on the banner behind me & I called upon the strength of my sweet love as he assured me “I’m right here.”

Everything about these 7 minutes of pushing felt impossible, otherworldly, inconceivable.

In my previous births, I hadn’t yet met the ring of fire...we became closely acquainted this time. I knew I would be humbled by this birth experience...I bow to the magnificence of Creation!

My silent clawing turned into shouts as “Jai Ma” by Govind Das & Radha began to play...

“Oh Honey! Honey!” I moaned.

And with another push, she was here!

Part 5: The Golden Hour

Many women, myself included, have been robbed of the sacredness of this first hour after birth. Sometimes, it’s due to factors beyond anyone’s control...other times it’s completely avoidable.

Right after my first birth, exactly 12 years ago today, the hustle & bustle of nurses (i.e. strangers) around me was dizzying. My placenta was hurried along & I never got to see it. Without being informed about what was happening, or that I had torn in two places, I was stitched by the attending midwife (who I’d just met). She even gave me a “husband stitch” without consent, which I didn’t realize until much later. 

This birth, and the quiet, unhurried, joyful hour afterward, was nothing like that...

After some time indulging in the warmth of the water, studying my daughters face, we were lovingly guided to the couch. As I reclined, basking in new life, my midwife, Lindsey, who I’d seen throughout my pregnancy & who I trusted fully, massaged my legs with aromatic essential oils. I felt like royalty.

My husband stroked my hair as our tiny daughter rooted & crawled her way to my breast, and then our older daughters joined to meet their baby sister.

In time, with the help of mild contractions, a slight bearing down, & gentle guidance from my own hand, I delivered my placenta. (There was zero fundal massage — a completely unnecessary & painful common practice).

Only after the cord had stopped pulsing & turned white, and Soren had ample opportunity to nurse, my husband cut the cord.

Lindsey waited until the time was right to stitch my small labial tear & when she did it was with informed consent & the utmost care.

Never had I felt so alert, so engaged, such a participant in those fleeting moments after birth.

This is what’s possible when birthing people are respected, when birth is revered & when babies are honored.

To my entire birth team ~ Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for giving me & Soren this priceless gift <3

Kelsey Delane Troup
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Gratitude Without Spiritual Bypassing