How I Maintain Serenity When Things Don’t Go As Planned
I just returned home after an ultrasound and meeting with my midwife. At 34 weeks and 2 days, baby Ginny is measuring in the 5th percentile for abdominal size, and 12th percentile overall. My husband and I are both tall, so we would expect our baby to be on the higher side of average. Ginny’s size is alarming because it could indicate that she isn’t getting the proper nourishment she needs in utero. We first discovered her small size last week, and this week was no different.
I’m now on a regimen of twice weekly scans to diligently monitor her growth. I could be induced any day if we have reason to believe she’s not thriving based on unsafe measurements in growth, blood flow or fluid levels.
This isn’t the news any mama wants to hear. This means that I am no longer a candidate for the home birth I’d envisioned. It’s scary to think that my baby could be in danger, and of course my first instinct is to blame myself. I immediately thought “I’m not doing a good job taking care of my baby.” I’m wrestling with myself right now. I’m upset that I’ve been indulging in sugar and paying little attention to my protein intake. I’ve prioritized work over self care more often than I want to admit. I’ve allowed the fear of financial insecurity during maternity leave to propel me into overdrive, and that stops now.
Of course my midwife reassured me that there is no fault here, yet I can provide Ginny with the best odds by giving her the best nutrition possible.
It doesn’t serve me, or Ginny, to remain in a mindset of blame and fear. Ginny is the size that she is. I cannot undo the way I’ve been feeding myself up to this point. When I surrender to this truth, I can focus on where I do have some power: over my choices moving forward.
My sweet husband is helping rid the house of my Achilles heel: sweets! The Costco box of rice crispy treats, the Girl Scout cookie stash and the cupcakes are being replaced with nuts and hummus. I have an alarm on my phone to remind me to eat every two hours, and I’m using an app to track my nourishment throughout the day. These things are within my ability to control, and this is where I will focus my energy.
We are scared, and that’s okay. My Yoga practice has taught me how to hold two opposing things at the same time. I can rest assured that I have the tools to respond to whatever comes of this challenge, and still acknowledge that it’s super scary. I can use this experience as an opportunity to surrender to that which is beyond my control, and practice my intention for 2018: Faith
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
The Serenity Prayer
With this shift in focus, I will be putting work on the back burner. My one priority will be nourishing myself and Ginny and preparing for her arrival. I absolutely love this online community, and am so grateful to know that my decision to temporarily step away will be fully supported. Thank you <3